The Origin and Powers of the Legion of Super-Heroes
So promises the title of this little back-up feature in Adventure Comics #365. And sure enough it starts off with a brief summary of the Legion and what they're all about. This is followed by a series of portraits of Legion members and associates that range from straightforward to misleading to downright obscure as to what their actual powers are. Apparently it's up to us to figure them out. Here are some of my favourites:
1 - Phantom Girl
Has the power to perform table dances
2 - Duo Damsel
Stunning ability to give boys way better dates than they expected.
5- Bouncing Boy
Bounces. This one's real, but come on, that never stops being funny.
8 - Cosmic Boy
Creates parking spaces where there were no parking spaces before.
9 - Chameleon Boy
Uncanny power to have speech and thought balloons when no other legionnaires can. Seriously, this is the only one they thought needed that extra explanation so as not to confuse the readers. Certainly not
10 - Saturn Girl
With her superhuman talent for waving at passing dragons.
13 - Superboy
Snaps oddly placed chains using only his chest and shoulders. Super! I'm also assuming he put those there himself, because nobody else would.
14 - Light Lass
Makes roots explode.
15 - Star Boy
Obviously fireproof. (For those of you unfamiliar with the Legion, he actually makes things heavy. That's right. Nothing to do with fire. Hurm.)
16 - Mon-El
Loves shiny rocks!
17 - Ultra Boy
Can melt guns when they can't see him. Sneaky . . .
18 - Matter-Eater Lad
Well, yeah. See Bouncing Boy.
21 - Element Lad
Uses finger-ray-beams to stack bricks. He's really good at Jenga.
25 - Dream Girl
Develops a headache whenever rocket-ships fight in front of a cloud.
26 - Princess Projectra
Can make one out of two men to drop his gun.
27 - Ferro Lad
Is, clearly, fantastic!
28 - Insect Queen
Amazing power to be really icky.
29 - Kid Psycho
What is he doing, watching future-TV? And what the hell is a guy named Kid Psycho doing on such a wholesome team. Also I've never seen him in any Legion comic book. Who is this guy? What is his deal?
Anyhow, after the Legion of Substitute Heroes (too awesome to show here) there are two text pages that actually do explain everybody's deals. But by that point the damage has already been done, and the Legion of Super-Heroes is forever rendered hilarious in the eyes of others. Mainly me.
Source: Adventure Comics # 365 (Feb. 1968) Writer unknown, Art looks like Curt Swan and George Klein . . ?
posted by Ben @ 5:47 PM
13 Comments:
Kid Psycho's power was to create force fields with his mighty mutant brain power. Unfortunately, every time he did that, he took a year off his life span, which kinda makes for a short career as a superhero. So as a consolation prize, the Legion declared him a Reservist, and he'd be available in case he was needed. He appeared from time to time in the background of group shots (probably as Easter eggs for long-time fans). His last appearance was as cannon fodder in the Crisis on Infinite Earths, when he found out his force fields didn't stop walls of anti-matter.
Yeah, I knew most of that, I was just bein' a jerk . . .
"Can make one out of two men drop his gun."
OK, that was pretty funny.
That matter eater lad sure can eat a fence. And I think you all over looked the most important kid psycho question. What's with the size of his head?
Light Lass could come in very handy with those boys cutting down the rain forest.
Well played, Ben. This was a lot of effort and the results were hilarious.
I wish I had Dream Girl's powers. Since everyone calls me Dream Girl anyway.
Damn you for mocking my beloved Legion!
And damn me for laughing my ass off...
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